If there was one way I could put into simple words the feeling of helplessness and fear that occurs on occasion it would be the title of this article. My anxiety comes in a puff of white smoke with a sudden weight on my shoulders. Two different voices telling me the complete opposite leaving me in a mess of emotion. I used to think this was just my personality and who I was. The indecisive, worry wart that I am. In most ways that is just who I am and just part of me. However, there is a difference between my personality and my anxiety. I found there was a difference between silly thoughts and genuine fear.
In a moment of personal crisis the angel is telling me to take deep breaths, that everything is alright. The devil is telling me all the things I should fear and the worst possible outcomes. My anxiety used to be a silent killer where suddenly I lost function and found myself in a panic. This mostly occurs in social situations or when I am overwhelmed. Now when I am away from my zone of comfort I start to worry and it slowly becomes moments of panic. It morphs into the situation. It is one of the worst feelings I have ever had in my life. Imagine feeling like you’ve lost control of yourself and that you can’t do anything. My own mind can’t decide how it feels.
I have never fully understood my anxiety. I slowly have deciphered some of it. But it is something I know that is irrational, negative, and a bunch of “what if” thoughts. It is assuming the worst is to happen or the worst is yet to come. I could stand here and listen to the two voices going back and forth all day. At some point you must learn to speak up yourself. I will not let fear determine how I will live my life. Even when the evil sitting on my shoulder seems to be winning the battle and my most negative thoughts still looming. I want to choose joy. I want to choose freedom.
You don’t have to let it control your life. You don’t have to let it decide for you. Thankfully, the angel is here to stay. The stronger I become the less I hear from evil. The nagging of two different voices become less and less.
I write all this because maybe it will help you understand someone else’s anxiety or your own. It has been one of the hardest thing to explain to others. My best advice is to get help if you feel it is necessary. Mental illness is something no one should go through alone.